Walking Backwards

You hear people preaching about representation and diversifying the racial makeup of the entertainment industry. It permeates news sources, casting pages, guest lectures at universities. They speak wonderful dreams of equal opportunity for all people of color amidst a white-washed Hollywood. They hail Crazy Rich Asians (2018) for taking major steps towards bringing Asian faces into the scene.

I would love to jump onto that dream. It fulfills every desire of mine in creating a career for myself in the future, one where I can fight an equal fight with everyone else who chooses the same path. One where if I do land a job, it’s because of what I can offer and not because of how I look or what I symbolize. I don’t want to be present in an artistic process just because I have the face of a Asian-American woman. I want to be there because I can contribute the experience of being a woman from an Asian-American background with an honest and genuine point of entry.

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What It Felt Like to Have a Heart

Some days I feel empty. Emotionless. Cut off from the rest of the world. Unwilling to look at my phone because I know that if I turn on the screen, my wallpaper is going to stare me down, devoid of any notifications. It’s taunting and shameful. It made me get in the habit of shoving my phone in my bedside table drawer during the day so I wouldn’t be tempted to see if someone wanted my attention, but stowing it away in the dark didn’t change the fact that some people just don’t reach out. The part that I hated most about this was that my happiness was dependent upon the attention of people who I knew wouldn’t reach out but I told myself, “maybe they will today”.

I often reflect back on what it felt like feel full of life everyday and wake up and feel like I belonged. Where I could walk out the door and have someone to look forward to seeing every day without wondering whether they would be equally as overjoyed to see me as well. I think the year where my emotions blossomed the most was four years ago in my freshman year of high school. It was like my freshman year of college, just more pure and innocent.

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The Law of Attraction and My Take

One of the most inspirational people in my life is my piano teacher. He made me realize that art is not just about the practice, but also about the mentality that comes with it. Before I came to him, my mind was clogged with self-doubt and self-depreciation. Every piano practice and lesson consisted of me telling myself that I couldn’t do it and that I wasn’t good. People around me told me that I was so talented, but when I watched other players and lost competitions, my self-esteem lowered more and more until I wanted to quit. I put my focus in other arts and neglected my piano.

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Things I Can Do While Studying Online Until Covid-19 Goes Away

This is unprecedented. I have so much time on my hands that I don’t know what to do with and I’m a very hands-on person so I have to be doing something. I’ve brainstormed a list of things I could potentially do but probably won’t because I’m still lazy.

I will be updating this regularly.

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The Concept of Perfectionism

In today’s society where we’re surrounded by images of perfect models and celebrities living their best life in the city or traveling abroad, or where we’re constantly bombarded on our phone with the latest news about an amazing 16 year old activist who’s attempting to change the world, we often get caught up in our own minds. We question what we’re really doing with our lives, and whether our work is significant enough to make ourselves matter.

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College Update #2

Hi there.

It is currently 1:05AM and I’m studying for my psychology exam that’s on Friday.

I’m blessed to have an amazing center right across from my dorm building that is open until 2AM and serves food that you can purchase with your meal plan dollars. It’s surprisingly a nice place to work at and I enjoy the peaceful atmosphere.

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College Update #1

It’s been a while since I’ve written on this blog because I’ve been swarmed with the pressure of adjusting to college. I’m currently entering week three of school, and I already feel so overwhelmed with everything.

There’s so many things I love about this place though. It’s so wonderful to wake up to sunny weather every day with a cloudless sky hanging over my head. The campus is MASSIVE and I feel like I haven’t explored even half of it yet! The food isn’t too bad either 😉

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